| tell me something sweet to get me by |
[ | |
10.12.09 - 10.46pm
| | ] |
| [ |
music |
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If It Means A Lot To You -- A Day To Remember |
] |
And hey sweetie
Well I need you here tonight
And I know that you don't want to be leaving me
Yeah you want it, but I can't help it,
I just feel complete when you're by my side,
But I know you can't come home til they're singing.
You know you can't give me what I need
And even though you mean so much to me,
I can't wait through everything.
Is this really happening?
We knew it'd happen eventually.
I <3 this song.
|
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| the feeling of loss |
[ | |
9.7.09 - 4.57pm
| | ] |
I'm lucky my parents, however Asian, have never seriously compared me to my cousins. (I would never match up.) I'm lacking experience in so many situations that they can so flawlessly handle as if it's second nature (which it probably is). I think what I'm lacking in most, however, is their confidence. I don't feel like I even belong in some of these said situations, which does nothing for how I end up coping with them.
This is not the train of thought I wanted this entry to enter. It may be the residual effects of last night's dream. My grandma was still here, but even in the dream as I was hugging her, I knew that she wasn't going to be there very much longer. I opened my mouth to tell her that I loved her, that I missed her, but I couldn't form any words to speak. I woke up crying. She would have loved to be there on Saturday, and I really wish we could see her again.
|
|
| my celebrity crush |
[ | |
6.28.09 - 2.46am
| | ] |
F: Who could possibly be an upgrade from you anyway?
J: Jensen Ackles.
F: But he's 10 years older than me and doesn't even know who I am. :O
J: :O!!! See? You didn't say he wouldn't be an upgrade from me.
F: I don't even know him!
J: But you didn't say he wouldn't be an upgrade! ;_;
F: AHHHH!
J: Doesn't this sound like what a lot of girls do?
F: Stop being a girl!
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| see it how you will |
[ | |
5.15.09 - 8.33pm
| | ] |
I've come to the realization that the most tortured (or depressed) souls are the most prolific when it comes to art. They're generally also the most talented. (Exceptions obviously apply.) I'm thinking of one person as I write this, not that he's really tortured or depressed. He is genuinely one of the most talented people I know. When he was around in Davis, he was the one I spilled my soul to the most (aside from Jordan). I miss him dearly; I have no idea where he's gone. He seemed so much better when I last saw him (the day of my recital). It meant so much to me that he came to it. I wonder how he's doing right now. I wonder how I can reach him. Within the music department, I'm apparently the one he confided in the most. I hope he's okay.
I used to write a lot more, and while it was by no means quality writing, at least I was writing. Now, most of my thoughts go into my paper journal, and I don't write cryptic and emo pieces here, for a number of reasons. (1) I can tell anything I want to the person I'm writing about, so I'd rather just say it than write it, and (2) I guess I am no longer a tortured and depressed soul (although I'm not sure that was really ever the case).
|
|
| five, seven, five |
[ | |
5.14.09 - 10.25pm
| | ] |
I guess I write a lot less when I'm happy, which would explain the massive drop for posts in here (especially as compared to my delinquent days).
"It feels like my heart hurts with you not around."
years ago i would
not have imagined something
like this happening.
but life tends to do
this every time (surprise me),
i should know better.
you brighten my days,
life is better when you're there,
i miss you so much.
it feels like my heart
hurts with you not around (mine,
empty without you.)
being understanding,
i know that things will work out.
still optimistic.
we'll be okay, as
long as you (we) do what's best,
i can't wait til june.
|
|
| helpless |
[ | |
3.5.09 - 11.55pm
| | ] |
I think it's the feeling I hate the most in the world.
"As it turned out, hell wasn't watching the people you love get hurt; it was coming in during the second act, when it was already too late to stop it from happening."
(The Tenth Circle; Jodi Picoult)
|
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| if i had one word to describe how i feel |
[ | |
3.1.09 - 8.49pm
| | ] |
| [ |
mood |
| |
 lucky |
] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Lucky -- Colbie Caillat & Jason Mraz |
] |
it'd be this:
"Lucky."
I keep you with me in my heart,
You make it easier when life gets hard.
I'm lucky I'm in love with my best friend,
Lucky to have been where I have been,
Lucky to be coming home again.
They don't know how long it takes,
Waiting for a love like this,
Every time we say goodbye,
I wish we had one more kiss.
I'll wait for you, I promise you, I will.
Lucky we're in love in every way,
Lucky to have stayed where we have stayed...
|
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| my own island |
[ | |
1.15.09 - 9.39pm
| | ] |
(after watching a commercial about a movie with kids that have "extraordinary gifts" [psychic powers])
F: I want extraordinary gifts! :O
J: Alright, alright, I'll buy you something nice! >:[
F: ...?
(short pause)
F: Oh!!! ...Can I have my own private island?
J: (What-the-hell-did-I-get-myself-into?-face) Um...I can't really afford to buy you an island right now, Farrah. Can you wait a couple years?
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|
|
[ | |
12.29.08 - 1.05am
| | ] |
|
I kinda want to be back in Davis (but you're not there right now).
|
|
| live and learn |
[ | |
12.18.08 - 12.00pm
| | ] |
When I look at my life and how I used to be, I'm appalled by how stupid I was. (I stayed up until 3 a.m. last night reading old journal entries from my paper journals.) I know you don't really have any control over how you feel about someone, and you can't make yourself love someone, but really, that was just stupid. I knew that already though. I wrote about it then, even as I was living it, that it was a terrible idea and that I needed to get out. It was toxic, unhealthy, suffocating. I'd forgotten how I'd felt about so many things.
This one is different, though. I didn't have any doubts from the start (I gotta say though, I've never rushed into something so quickly, and so willingly...but it didn't feel rushed), and if I'm not reallyreally happy, I'm at least content all the time. (If my grades improved, I don't think I'd have anything to complain about at all. *-* ) I think the imbalance of experience actually helps in this case, and although I do fall victim to a slight bit of insecurity every now and then (I honestly have no reason to, but look at him :O ), I don't let girl logic take over.
I'd like to think I've matured since then, and that we have a pretty clear idea of what kind of person we want to be with.
|
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| i still miss you |
[ | |
12.5.08 - 9.26pm
| | ] |
"If you could describe her in one sentence, what would you write?"
Without thinking, I replied, "I miss her."
"That doesn't describe her though. That describes how you feel about her."
I didn't even realize when the tears started rolling down my cheeks. But once they did, they wouldn't stop. Although I wiped them away, they were replaced almost instantly. I let my hair fall down to hide the side of my face so he wouldn't see me crying.
I kept hearing, "Of everyone I know, you cry the quietest tears," in my head. Then it was "有你在這兒就最好," in your voice.
I haven't cried like that since your funeral. Somehow, writing my paper about you made you feel even farther away than before, and I miss you even more. Somehow, it's been over a year and a half since I've lost you. Somehow, I neglected to remember that your birthday was exactly 10 days ago.
But having him there to hold me until I stopped crying, until I could finally talk again...it really helped. I think you would have approved of him. I really wish you could have met him.
|
|
| as we would say, "blehhhh" |
[ | |
11.12.08 - 3.45pm
| | ] |
I tend to not write very much when I'm really happy, since I'm busy pursuing that happiness, so to speak. But I think I can honestly say...I've never felt like this about anyone before. It's easy for me to get along with other people, but I've never found someone I felt so compatible with, someone that I liked right away and just clicked with, the way I did with you. I officially knew you for a week before we started going out, but it feels like I've known you for so much longer. With anyone else, it never actually felt right--I either knew it wouldn't work, or that it was wrong from the start (and I was just trying to make it work). Somehow, I've managed to not write about him in here yet (mayhaps because almost everything I used to write in here was pretty effing depressing).
Shortened version of the above: I'm really glad I met him.
|
|
| Cheese Bits in Love |
[ | |
10.16.08 - 1.26am
| | ] |
I really like my electronic music class. We've had one project so far and are currently working on a homework assignment that's, as usual, due by 11:59 p.m. on Friday. The last project involved cutting up 150-300 different sounds on tapes or records and splicing them to 10 ms to 1000 ms (1 second) long. I cut up Mozart piano concertos and spent a hell of a lot of time trying to make sure I had some of every note, and a bunch of different chords and/or triads, but as it turned out, we had to trade with someone, so I traded with Anthony and created "Cheese Bits in Love."
It's quite possibly the most obnoxious song I've ever made/written, but fortunately, Sam acknowledges/understands/appreciates my humor. I was checking out CDs for him today and he told me he really liked my piece. :]
Homework one = additive synthesis. (I guess it's a little fitting that I'm learning about waves + sound in physics right now.) I really, really wish I had more time. The class is really fun, but it requires an insane amount of work and time. I spent hours on the last one, and it was only 2-ish minutes long. (This one only has to be 1-2 minutes long, but with 3+ layers.)
...I have 15 seconds so far.
|
|
| I used to live in the past. |
[ | |
7.2.08 - 7.26pm
| | ] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Maunaleo -- Keali'i Reichel |
] |
It was all I could think about. How much I wanted to go back in time, redo things, change things 'for the better,' redo my life, be able to get what (or who) I wanted. I'd know the right things to say, the correct answers to put on tests, who to stay away from, who to keep close to me, who to appreciate more, what I should do if I wanted to accomplish what and who I wanted to be in life...
But then I found all these things in the present, and above all, all these things in my future that I really wanted to do, really want to accomplish, sometime before I die.
There will never be enough time to do it all, but I'm sure as hell going to try. As much as humanly possible. I don't want to live with any regrets, so that's now my motto in life.
|
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| sometimes i miss the days when i still thought you could be my everything |
[ | |
5.22.08 - 11.07pm
| | ] |
| [ |
music |
| |
Written in the Stars -- Westlife |
] |
Stay with me
Don't fall asleep too soon
The angels can wait for a moment
Come real close
Forget the world outside
Tonight we're alone
It's finally you and I
It wasn't meant to feel like this
Not without you
'Cause when I look at my life
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you
When I see how my path
Seem to end up before your face
The state of my heart, the place where we are
Was written in the stars
Don't be afraid
I'll be right by your side
Through the laughter and pain
Together we're bound to fly
I wasn't meant to love like this
Not without you
'Cause when I look at my life
How the pieces fall into place
It just wouldn't rhyme without you
When I see how my path
Seem to end up before your face
The state of my heart, the place where we are
Was written in the stars
I made a few mistakes, yeah
Like sometimes we do
Been through lot of heartache
But I made it back to you
|
|
| peter pan complex |
[ | |
4.27.08 - 10.06pm
| | ] |
I miss getting to be a kid and goofing off with friends, being afraid of consequences that weren't really consequences, because there was always a way out of them, always a back road you could take--it was never all or nothing. The alternative might not be ideal, but at least it didn't spell the end for you. Things seemed so much more important then, bigger than they really were, but they were simpler, much simpler, and everything seemed to mean more. I could do more of what I wanted without being afraid of repercussions; I didn't have to make as many sacrifices. "For the greater good."
I wasn't desensitized yet, I was a little bit more trusting, and I think I still had a heart. Now, it's more along the lines of, "Oh, I lost you, but I can do without you--there are so many other things I still need to do with my life. If you want to leave me, fine. Your choice. Your loss." All you ever did was lie to me anyway, but that's just the way you were (are). All talk, like cotton candy. Just fluff--it tastes good, but there's no substance.
Maybe ignorance really was bliss. When I could talk to and spend time with my friends without their significant others getting jealous and suspecting feelings that were never there. When we could sleep over at each other's houses and sneak out on summer nights to walk around and talk. When we'd go out and do all this stupid crazy shit (stupid and crazy, but fun). When you'd drive over to take me out to dinner and pull me into a big hug, picking me up off the floor and spinning me around. When in my world, there was still no such thing as friends addicted to drugs, or angry drunk dials.
Which isn't to say that I'm not happy now. I really like life as it is; I'm still trying to accomplish as much as I can, while I can. I'm especially happy about certain recent events. I'm just scared of a life with obligations and expectations. I hate to disappoint.
To be honest, I'm really just trying to avoid studying for ochem, because it's making me feel terrible (I don't know a thing).
|
|
|
[ | |
4.27.08 - 10.50am
| | ] |
"Peter was terrified. Terrified that he might actually get what he'd dreamt of getting and terrified that now, having the opportunity to get it, he would screw it up."
Beginner's Greek - James Collins
At times, that seems to be the basis of my life. When good things happen (e.g. a really good grade), I tend to not believe it. I re-check it multiple times because I feel like I read it incorrectly, or they made a mistake.
sigh.
|
|
| leading someone on |
[ | |
4.22.08 - 2.24pm
| | ] |
AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Dude, seriously, the suspense is killin' me. I've been obsessively checking my email throughout the day (which wasn't actually that often since I was in class for most of the time, but still) and it still hasn't come through yet.
Let me just say that if I don't get this, I'm probably going to cry half a thousand rivers.
And also, if I don't get it, I will think they are utterly cruel. You don't tell someone repeatedly that they did well (etc.) and then turn around and not give them the position, right? Because that's just leading me on. Right? And that's just wrong. Right?! ;_;
Leading people on = completely and utterly terrible. Seriously. If you're a person I'm interested in and I find out you're just stringing me along, I will undoubtedly be at least mildly pissed and/or upset, depending on my level of interest.
But in the end, I'll probably reach the conclusion that you weren't worth the trouble, because seriously, if a passive and spineless doormat such as yours truly can tell someone that she's not interested, one would think that you would be able to as well.
BUT IF THIS IS LEADING ON IN REGARDS TO MY FUTURE, IT IS UNACCEPTABLE.
Ohhhmicrudddddd.
Please let me in. I promise I'll work hard. <3 <3 <3
I'm only here because there are no practice rooms open.
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kiss_mybutt's journal
